Rushes' Anomaly

Between pages.

2011-12-09T09:02:00.001-08:00

So, the "End" was more of a word, closer to an illusion. Theidea was wrapped in layers of everyday reality. Variousreasons were used in different contexts. "No, I wouldn’t", was veryconvincing. Yet, the "End" always dissolved in random conversationswith friends, in the pretext of everyday news. It was always understood that it would happen with a new beginning.

The "End" materialized in its own terms,without a new beginning. Almost forced, almost broken away.

The Act

2011-07-20T01:27:00.000-07:00

The soul sat watching the body

The body was in an Act, an earthly one

Yet the body felt strange;

The soul refused to participate.

The body was desperate,

But the soul wouldn't budge.

To a pensive body, the soul echoed,

In a distance voice,

Neither of pain nor of sorrow, but distant,

"I flourish only in the wisdom of a heart".

The Berlin Badge

2011-07-11T03:31:00.000-07:00

(stumbled across an old writing, from 2 years ago)

She was at a conference for the whole week. It was a difficult time and she was hoping that the travel will be a good change. She was still struggling with the memories. Her friends felt exasperated when she said that it was the picture that she drew about him ... His sparkling eyes ... or was it the toothy smile!! She couldn't simply shove it in the bin. So the moment she met G, the memories flooded back ... causing both excitement and pain! G was younger. Soon into the conference she realized his eyes followed her and well, guess who was hovering around his solar taxi stalls…

****

It was the last night in the city and she left the pub quietly, saying goodbye only to Laurette. It was already late and she had a bad cold. The smokers in the pub almost killed her if not for the vodka. Yet her tipsy-self could reason that it was impossible! She hopped into the first cab; she was not sure if it felt sad, but a strange sense of loss. She hugged herself tight in the cold December darkness.

The next morning, the tram dropped her at at the wrong stop. The bus that brought them to the conference was waiting for her and it was almost time. She had woken up early and had planned to be there on time. Yet she lost her way and like all her travel chaos, this time she lost her map (the map simply fell off her pocket, she swore by the bluest of cheese). Hardly few spoke English and the road names, very long names, as in any place in Eastern Europe, did not make any sense to her. It was biting cold and she was on the verge of tears, but then she ran into a bunch of college students who helped her google-map the place sitting on the pavements! Kindness has no colour or season.

The folks in the bus were so anxious that they broke into a cheer the moment they saw her at the corner of the street, lugging her backpack towards the bus ... She was still gasping in her seat, fiddling at the seal of a bottle of water, when a girl tapped her on her shoulders and asked, “hejjj, are you the Indian?”, and started laughing while a few others joined her in that bus of absolute blond people. “Well”, she added, “somebody wanted me to give this to the Indian heading to ...”

****

They were in a pub after a long day of chaotic climate change discussions. She was explaining to the group how she lost her camera with the pictures from Berlin. “Another whirlwind affair”, she called her Berlin visit and she told them she will go back to walk in those streets again and hop on and off the trams a few more times. It was just a day and half's stopover at Berlin, but the city amazed her. That was when she noticed the badge with the TV Tower pinned to his t-shirt. She simply asked him if she could have it. Without missing a blink he replied, “No, it is a gift”.

****

It was on loan, he mailed later (and never further wrote), to be returned in Berlin.

The Search

2011-05-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

You can hop from one tree to another,
Like those monkeys from a palm tree to other,
Or you choose to get off and walk ...
To stop, look up in awe at 'em, those trees,
Big and small - All Majestic;
But some roots may not stand the storms,
I am not a Monkey, I might walk a bit longer.

Dreaming Mirages

2010-08-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I cleaned my board today afternoon
To write a poem of joy, peace and love
Words tumbled down like Leh rushes,
Dreams, hopes and fears, yet cold soothing
I saw clear skies, dark mountains and cheap dinners -
The line left me smiling, cringing my eyes!

The door stood ajar, tender breeze murmuring, “wake up”,
You walked away while I read it loud.

dark chocolate

2010-08-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

Life is like you discover dark chocolate, thereafter you dont want to pay for milk chocolates ...

An acquired taste. A taste that strike your senses, a consciousness that tingles the tongue.

It sits on a tiny edge, at the borderline of distaste .. yet you like the bitterness mellowed in the richness of cocoa flavour.

But, bad ones make you trash the whole expensive bar of chocolate .. disappointed in anticipation for the moment of joy. Awful.

Should I spend anymore on them?

Bad Goofy

2009-04-29T02:55:00.000-07:00

She put them in a box and held a second before the lid was placed. There were only a few things, and some looked almost new. Well, they were all just a year old … yet she had to cast them away - she had no use of them, she decided. They took too much of space and every time she cleaned around, they would come in her away.

She was still fond of the pretty ones. Others were like abstract art; the meanings changed every time she had a look at them. It somehow brought pain, so did the pretty ones.

Time.

*******

She got back at her desk and started sorting out the work that had been piling up. She sighed, at least that one is put away … waiting to be forgotten.

Time.

a moment.

2008-11-26T11:26:00.000-08:00

I havent written in ages. Like more than a year. So much has happened, time has flown and after the moment has passed, I don’t feel like writing as a piece of nostalgia. Nostalgia is so dangerous. The rosy colour it gives to every incident, kind of softens the magnitude of the actual moments … But what bothers me is that when I reflect on what I have learned from the past. Past is always some guru right? So I am supposed to have learned a good lesson. I am not here to rant about how I haven’t learned any, so let me dig into something that I want to look forward to. So in retro I should reference between the future and the past. I sound ridiculous. However, that’s how I sound these days, after writing pages on sustainability. It’s all smoke up there, friend, all smoke. Not Ganja though!

I visited India in June and stayed there for 7 weeks. The visit was after 2 loooong years. People always ask me in wonder how I managed to stay away from home so long. Well, when you are in state of hibernation from your reality, it is how long you can stay so is the question. So when I got home, the reality came down on me like a big bucket of ice cold water - crashing on me, leaving my brain to figure out the worst.

The reality is not about my joblessness or about my singledom or my family or so. The reality is how much I hated every minute in Bangalore. I hated when people stared at my boobs (I had become so scrawny, despite that!!!), made vulgar comments, about the vast disparity of lives, the vagueness, the crowd, the dust, “the everything” which was a part of my very life. What surprised me, hurt me all the more.. that I realized I wanted to get far away from my reality. Far away. I used to date this guy for a while before I left. We were friends who move to a different sphere.. however, when I met him on my return, he was absolutely sleazy. My phirang life was supposed to normalize sleaziness I guess, according to his calculations. I have never regretted being born as a woman. Guess my parents never created that kind of a void in my life. However, the struggles of a woman in our society are amazing. So the moment I had to travel home or anywhere, the shackles were back in place. I felt very sad. Its an unfair world and nothing is equal. I still believe in God, but I guess we all belong to some kind of an elaborate lab experiment and Mr Almighty is definitely taking notes. But nothing is equal and every day he gets to see how the diverse system works, assuming this fucking life is a system. I refuse to give up my sense of freedom, yet I feel that people like me and you owe to the masses of India. I travelled to a few villages and just 50 km out of Bangalore, and life has gone a century back. Oh yeah, they all colour TVs. They were poor, yet not poor enough because they lived by a certain standard. But soon, even that equilibrium will be broken by policies, economies, changing weather... and then who cares. I guess the caste-class system which has run centuries in our blood and culture has created these walls in us by which we can easily blind ourselves from others pain. He is poor so naturally he suffers. What can I do? The govt should have taken care, right? Yeah and we all know how corrupt the govt is. So we wash our hands - Corrupt govt and poor people. Do I sound like their saviour? Oh no! Buddy no! I want to be a researcher, so that I can write pages about their pain, but not struggle with them. How vague is that?!

Junglee at crossroads.

2007-10-08T04:37:00.000-07:00

I like to remain the junglee. My hairstyle to dressing to attitude towards life has always been jungleee. Somebody, once said, that was “my charm”. Guess the charm never charmed my life to most of its being. And, well, I junglified a prospective blue eyed nerd to his wits end. I lost my cool, getting frustrated at the Disney land that I have been building. Mickey, Minnie, Uncle Scrooge, dwarfs and their Sleeping beauty … I got impatient and blew my top, like the Fuji volcano! All in all, I am so sad.

Call for an evolution?!! I hate change.

Delusions.

2007-02-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

Its 1.00 AM and I am supposed to finish off the Causal Loop Diagram, yet havent done much, though had the whole day for the same purpose; the culprit is the Skype!! Finally I decided to use it, bought credit and then it was a calling spree. Started with dad, who had his pc fixed and was waiting for to me.. but it was hilarious, once again he has goofed up his settings... I had to call him to the cell, instruct him.. yet, the conv was one way, they couldnt hear me.. anyways, I finally spoke to them and they were happy...

Then, I continued the day Orkutting... its such a waste of time.. yet I like to log in and snoop around all my friends' profiles.. come on' -its not actually snooping.. jus checking for new photos they would have posted!!! (hehehheheh!) Btw, many of my school days' folks are there and most of us are sooo unrecognizable.. One of them is this guy on whom I had a huge crush.. you know, he was one of those not-so-easily-charmed sort.. I was a big-time pal of my guy-classmates.. I was treated with "a guy status"(stag?) Guess I was not interested in anybody, but this fellow.. who was a tough-nut....silent and that mocking expression ...we ignored each other.. ( I had no choice!!). Then years later - bingo! he pops up on my yahoo msgr and starts chatting as if we were the best buddies of yester years.. well, it was 7 years later I guess.. and he was through a serious relationship and discovered his passions - music, writing (& women?!) - I concluded that he rescued his tongue from a death of boredom... went through some kind of "metamorphism", shall I say?! And confesses that he had a big crush on me!! Ha! I was like "You had a WHAT?!".. well..by then me was in a different scheme of things and I laughed a lot. Shortly after, he found his soul mate and I am happy for him/them (Seriously!)

Speaking of men, today, I am in a class of 24-25yrs old (majority)! And I guess I have done enough to make them think that I am some sort of a freak. Actually didnt do much!!!(heheh!). Speak about good Indian girls!! So I stick out, without fitting in anywhere, wondering where did those Nordic vikings disappear as all that one gets to see is babyfaced boys in those skinny pants - ahem.. population control and vogue! Come on, I aint "incest"!

[Though it bothers], its interesting to see that this place has more women then men; the natural ratio, unlike India or any other country where women population seems to be on a nose dive, you walk into a crowded place, be it a disc, cafe, bar, library, classroom - anything .. you see more women .. while, back home, I remember during all my school-college days only 30% were the female population... (I can remember only staff rooms and maternity wards were women dominated!!) People often ask me about women and India .. and sometimes, I recognize the overstated or exaggerated ideas they have. But trust me, most of the things they ask me or tell me makes feel terrible - because it is true and nauseating. I often feel angry and helpless and terribly sad for all my sisters left to rot away their lives.. I hear China also has a similar story! Now, you would say that though west claims equality of women, you could show me a 1000 other examples of atrocities against women, but still we are ions behind them ..

The lady with whom I live is almost 70; she was married to somebody who was much older then her, had a great marriage/mental compatibility and in the last quarter of their marriage, they lived separately - remained as good friends, she took care of him when he was sick and he passed away while she was around. No- I am not questioning our Indian family system. I have a committed pair for parents, whose togetherness, hard work and commitment laid base to our (sis &I) value system and life. My sis is a happy wife, running her show with her old in-laws as her responsibility. I am proud of her and her hubby - so are my friends like Sagz and Zind,, Women of power and patience; they compromised and seems to have worked it out quiet ok, so far! But our value system lost in pretense of "the social framework" bothers me. And the western influence is taking the whole thing in a new dimension which seems to suck all the more! It amazes me sometimes that what ppl choose to learn, with a filter! Just to feed ones own ego and believes *************************

Actually, I would like to rant more about this "value thingy", so will return!

Ions lost.

2007-01-30T14:59:00.001-08:00

My old land lady is busy translating her late husband's autobiography in which he says that he "ate life in big scoops!". I was amazed by those words.. and realized that's what most of us want from our lives, yet we loose our time just doing nothing! Or worrying and feeling miserable of things that didn't happen!

Every morning, I wake up looking at the great blue sky .. grayish indeed these cloudy days.. being on the 9th floor, it gives you this canvas for you to paint your day... and I promise myself, its gonna be great.. till I enter the class.. I don't know when I lost all those interpersonal skills! Chatter box indeed I am, but never been in such a constant conflict! My soul is so lost in the pursuit of finding the rhythm ...

Some days my mind refuses to budge -to listen to what I have to say; with its back turned at my words of comfort, leaving me helpless and tired.

Well, I am not a "quitter".. so I keep charging at that destiny which awaits me with god-knows-what-else-in-store! Wish I had an AK 47; I wouldn't mind keeping the "universal thingy" aside for a quick solution!

2007-01-07T00:49:00.000-08:00

Somedays put you off .. well it could be the ultra sensitive person in me who gets hurts for all silly things..but then loneliness has no other explanation.

I was home for 3 weeks, except the visit to the big city for 2 days.. Well, there was a plan for a week long trip to another EU country for a sort of youth conference .. had even my tickets booked, but at the last moment, I backed out .. I felt too tired and wanted to do nothing .. just laze around .. walk around.. read some stuff and take long warm showers.. And indeed I did all this - I look fresh! And tomorrow the classes reopen.. I was looking fwd to meet everybody ..wanted to hear all that chitter-chatter of the international crowd getting back to the same pool.. until I realized that folks are back since 2-3 days and they have been hanging out together.. it suddenly hurt that nobody wanted to let me know .. felt so fucking excluded.. you know, like a silly child.. but then that's me!

Suddenly I feel like a stranger - despite being an extrovert and my game-for-anything attitude!

01-01-07

2007-01-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

A new year eve with a Nepali, Jap and a Ghana-ian watching Fana, stuffing oneself with Nepali food and the Ghana dude loving every bit of Fanaaaa, while I almost puked and swore a million times and kept howling, " ... but you know, Aaamir movies are soo good otherwise .." and the otherwise peaceful Jap girl breaking into monstrous guffaws esp during the last scene - Amir being shot down by Kajol and all those sidey formula melodrama extraordinaire of Bollywood ... all along the Nepali friend empathizing with my "emotional trauma"!! (How could I convince my Jap friend the "facts" behind Rajesh Khanna look-alike acting epileptic? Indeed I tried giving her examples of Elvis freaks!)

Woke up at 11.00 AM and watched back to back episodes of "Ugly Betty" and to my immense surprise, I found extreme coincidences between "Jassi Jaisi Koyi nahin"!!! Is that true folks??!!! Wow!! Hoollywood working on Booollywood formula??!! Do I swell with Desi pride??

We are gonna watch next, "Lage Raho munnabhai ...."! Its been a great newyear:-)

2006-12-31T04:46:00.000-08:00

Yay! Yuuppy Yuuppy New Yeaar!!

Very Yapppy 2007!

I am in a total gyaan mood... it happens to me every new year eve .. I have this mixed emotions of hope and happiness and melancholy. But then, I do have some thing to tell you, will you listen to me for a few minutes?

If you have a dream .. that you keep wandering into every now and then .. but then all you do is sigh and tell yourself, "well.. dreams are dreams.. its beyond me..", you know what I mean.. then lemme stop you for a second; sitdown - yeah - maybe lean back onto the wall .. now you are comfortably posed, right?! This world has something, what they call as, the spiritual presence .. many seek it as their "God" and others say its "luck" and a few as "fate" .. what ever it is .. this force seems to be hearing and has been watching .. it just needs you to feel it .. and believe in your dreams... and if you did, trust me, before you realize, you are already on your way! All you need to do is to stop thinking as ... no 'that' is not possible ... how can I do 'that' with all 'these' happening ?.... how can I afford 'it'? .... how can I let go of 'this' ?.. all you need is to let your soul be given a single chance to face its dream.. to be freed into traversing thru your happiness ... Step out, just once, of your usual stance.. will you try?

After all, this is a tiny life ..

Thatz it! Peace!

2006-12-30T04:36:00.000-08:00

So finally they are done with him. It was so painful to watch a man being led to the gallows, the noose being placed around his neck and tightened .. his face pale white. I hope he left fast. Indeed, he is solely responsible for all those deaths and his brutal dictatorship is a shame to human history(well, one more among the many!) But will killing him bring any peace to all those families who lost their people and lives? Will Iraq be a better place? Why dont they hang Bush for the deaths of all those soldiers and others being killed everyday in Iraq? I often wonder , today its Iraq, will it be India tomorrow, if our folks decide to play the game by different rules (chances are small, arent we quite good at sucking-up!)

They should have left him in a solitary cell for the rest of his life. He is an intelligent man - and one's own thought process can be so devastating after a certain while of dejection and hopelessness - he would have gone crazy .. I think the fear of death had almost made him numb.. And before he knew he was dead. Well, he should have seen a generation grow and rebuild Iraq, and live peacefully .. all the while, feel their wrath, in the darkness of his time - never giving him a chance to quit to live . What gives us the right to kill?

2006-12-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

I saw him turn around the corner and walk towards me - actually I was on his way; I was standing in the middle of the narrow footpath .. and I smiled.. well, the idea was not be a "desi ignoring another desi".. and lo! the story of my fastest 15mins, while my brain went on a long pause, I guess: He came up to me and wished loudly "Sasrikaal ..”; I was already into my, "no .. I am sorry, I dont speak Punjabi..". .. He wouldnt stop .. continued to state that its amazing how I look like a Punjabi and yet a mallu (as if I told him I was from Uganda)..

Anyways, then he delivered the punch line, "you see, I a baba - saadhu baba!"
My first impulse was to say, "okay, gotta go!". But Maryam wasnt any where to be seen and I had left the phone at home and that was our meeting place. Well, before my reflexes had any time, he held my forhead and looked straight, close into my eyes and said, " you smile alot, but you hide your worries" ( Punjabi-Engl-Hindish) .. Imagine, on the middle of a big road, busy with Xmas shoppers, he seriously examining the 3 faint frown lines on my forehead!! So before the "cultured folks " called for the Polis to report an Indian Turbaned "holyman" trying to hypnotize or whatever alibis, my curiousity got the better of me, I lead him into the near by coffee shop. Well, to cut the story short, he looked into my left hand, face and again the right hand .. did some strange stuff - I was very alert .. yet the blank paper piece he had given me earlier, turned out to be no more blank .. I was puzzled and suddenly the idea that he was using magic made me feel nervous and extremely distrustful .. I gave him a mixed story about myself so that he doesn’t market anymore ... but he was extremely charming .. and then "blessed me" and zapped off!

I was glad that he was gone, was glad to reminisce all those good things he saw in my future, was astonished that I sat and listened to him, googled about his ashram and kept wondering what the hell was he doing in this part of the world!

Anyways, everybody is impressed of this hip looking thingy (choker) on my neck - a Rudraksha bead from our SBaba :-)

Rambling, continued.

2006-12-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

Last evening, some of us gate-crashed into a farewell party of the senior batch. Jen and Lolo assured us that we were invited… So we were there, and we were very much welcomed by the remaining few. They were almost winding up as many had to catch a flight the next day to far away places… to continue their journey.

Only a few were hardly sober … but the air had the heavy feeling of sadness… one of them kept saying, “we were so safe in this program bubble .. and now it will be another life..” Well, this brought back my memories of my masters graduation around 7 years ago .. But then I was much younger, with a steady boyfriend and all I could think was all that time I had to myself to be run on my own terms, my financial security (never having have to trouble my dad!), my ultimate freedom .. It took no time … after the initial excitement, I realized that I was a slave of habits… not having to worry and not having to be somewhere on a specified time , was suddenly scary! I brooded a lot and was ever rooted in front of the TV just not to let my thoughts get hold of me.. Then before I knew, I was working - believing that finally I was rescued!! Did things change then? Isnt the other side always green?! Responsibilities, Dead Lines, Ego wars, Cut Throats, Chamchagiri, Techno-indigestion disorders … etc etc .. When I was a student, dad used to always remind me that this is the time; you should find answers to all your doubts about everything you learn and hear and see .. Grown ups are not expected to do so and if they did, they are ridiculed or ignored…

Isnt this a strange world .. We think that it is not right to ask too many questions - questions that might ask a person to state the truth, the truth of his being, her work, his thought, her aim … And the thought behind the question itself. I am in a university town. So when I walk around, most of the times, I see people who are in their early 20s .. And I keep wondering what would they be thinking now.. Exams, worried about the name, fame and claims .. Girls (chances of getting laid is the ideal thought, I am told), about what-they-thought anxities .. I wonder if they ever thought of home at all .. Not that it matters .. And I live in an apartment complex filled with old timers.. So when I see an oldie hobble towards the lift… was it the aching back, the grocery shopping, the winter chills .. Well, I wonder what would happen if we all happen to think in a similar pattern …an algorithm to it. Predictable? Will that make the world less conflicting with contradicting thoughts and unexpected outcomes from unexpected understanding of these thoughts..

Digression!!

If they weren’t so drunk I would not have taken their words at face values … weren’t they looking forward to an exciting life and the opportunities that lay ahead of them … to prove the world that “making change happen” is not a slogan from an ad campaign .. Or did they realize in their “spirited” awareness that it was too late .. . beyond the human race … but just try and fit into the whole charade … just continue the game, for some more time... Till the end of one’s own time.

Forgotten ?

2006-12-11T10:49:00.000-08:00

So, did you miss me? I often came back to check my blogspot to sate my ego and hardly found any “miss you” or “we need more” .. tho a couple of my friends had kept reminding me that abandonment its not the bloggers’ “i-style”..

Life has been on a super highway (that’s another repeated statement). The transition from a lousy complaining software engineer to a “khaaz-pooz” masters’ student haven’t been without action and drama. Even if it was the smoothest of smooth transformation, I wouldn’t let go without exclamations and effective swearing. So I am here … in a far away land… almost at the tip of Europe. The first week was so eventful to my all kinds of standards, that I was at the edge of a nervous breakdown. The second week, I couldn’t believe the vegetable prices in the shops and now at the end of the third month, I am buying beer for myself and my friends. So that’s me.

I am the only brown skinned; there is a wide range of fairness of east and west Europe (I love those Nordic eyes), the rest of the Asians have almost a gold-tinged fairness and not the least, we have the shades of smooth ebony and pure darkness of a dark chocolate, from the big continent. The Angolan looks like as if she stepped out of “the Vogue”!!! Does colour matter? I don’t know. I think it shouldn’t. I think there was another swearing session on how polarization is happening in the class - ofcourse I had my share of whining; speak about being “judgmental“!!

Add to this: how about being in a class, where half of them were born when you were already in your teens?!! The drama queen in me was in such a boom-n-bust cycle, it took me weeks before I started behaving normal. Sorry (desi) folks, I didn’t mean it, but now they are convinced that Indian women aren’t really predictable or easy (does this transcend to a word called “insanity”?? **pondering**)

Well, these days, I feel as if I survived a storm... Is it too early to say that? Dunno. But these folks have been making me so mushy - thats when we were introduced to “Biophilia”, that I almost jumped up to say, “Thatz me, dude!!” (**I didn’t, my “rationality“ did not sync with my heart**)

Guess its time to get back to another torturous assignment, which makes me live like an insomniac!!! (Did you think I quit being whiny? Ha! How gullible can you get?!!) Anyways, there have been too many parties as Xmas is around the corner and been spirited by too many spirits :-) .. so let me get back to continue on how I can make this place more humane.

Will come back after the break!

Its the weather!

2006-11-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

Cold weather makes me yearn for warmth .. hence its not me and this got me all so senti .. ( I swear no more mushiness till the end of this winter .. but pls pls pls.. this one..)

http://cjcphoto.com/can/

Do check the video at the end of it ...

My daddy strongest! :-)

Mushy!

2006-10-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Well life has taken an ultra fast lane! Not that I enjoy fast life (remember, me the lazy @$$!), but surprsingly, its going quite ok!!

Me need to get back to the umpteenth assignment/take-home exam that needs to be completed! But wanted to leave a quick note to all you folks to check this video by "Sick Puppies" .. I am an ultra mushy sponge, and was a wee bit embarrased about it , but this video , got me super mushy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Hug a day!

Exit.

2006-07-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

The witness box, the oath, the judge, arch table for the advocates – all looked filmi. The only difference was it was crowded and extremely dirty. The advocates did not look rich and cunning, but shabby and pitiable.

The petitioners looked tired. Most cases were postponed ones and for many, this must the 20th or 30th visit. It was a court of family matters. Angry people, listless faces, child custody, extra marital affairs and alimony defaults; picture of a perfect divorce.

One maintains an innocent perspective when it comes to “pukka” villagers. Especially this old man, clad in his once-a-white dhoti and cotton shirt, with a towel on his shoulders .. hooded eyebrows and those long strands that stood out of his ears, like his attitude. U did not need law school days to get the right picture of this old farmer who kept lying through his teeth with an indignant smirk. You are awed by his fearless sharp tongue …

I sat waiting my turn. The case was postponed from the previous day as the court ran out of time. Our judiciary system, like all other govt functionaries, is simply ignorant of time management. People and their lives did not matter and battered lives were attended here. Is this what they call a “paradox”?!!

So I just sat there, sometimes straining to hear the discussions of a case being presented or kept looking at him, who stood half covered by the doorway shadows. I kept wondering whether a life time spent would flash across my “inner eyes”. I kept waiting for the emotional turmoil that my heart would leap into at his sight. Or the least, I kept wanting to be angry at him and make this session trouble-some and traumatic. Well, nothing happened and I almost laughed at my stereotyped thoughts; maybe the influence of all our desi movie-serials. He looked sad and tired, so was I. Tired of our stupidities and associations. Tired of being lost in the retro-moments.

Somewhere down the day they called “our” number .. and then a weightless sequence of motions started. I glided to the box, took an oath .. my voice was just above a whisper, but I did not stammer. An extremely bored judged mumbled the questions and I did not “wrong” an answer. It took hardly any time.

The advocates wished each other on their smooth performances. I saw him, pass me. It just didn’t hurt.

Impotent Rapists!

2006-07-12T02:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, thats what I felt about those wimps, "Impotent Rapists".

What do they think; killing an innocent few and bring down a democracy like India?! The frustration of not being able to shake our democracy and screw the foundation of our tolerant culture, return to a killing spree?! Bastards!

I pray for those families broken by yesterday’s bomb blasts find peace and strength to continue their lives.

Ah! Life, your antics!

2006-07-08T05:40:00.000-07:00

She was shaken out of her trance like reading by the beep from the cell phone. A momentary frown: it must one of those stupid offers; this is supposed to be a phone. God!

But it was a message from him.. She smiled, “ok .. Somebody is impatient ….”

After leaving the phone on the desk, she went to stand near the window and kept looking far ahead. It was a beautiful day... Just so right! A frozen smile with those listless eyes gave the face a morbid expression.

Something has come up; he cannot meet, even today.

She turned around and looked at the bedroom door, which was ajar and the dress was still on the bed, waiting for her to complete her shower and makeup. It was a pale green silk wear, with silver beads on the waist. At the mall, when she saw herself in this dress, she thought of him .. She remembered L telling her that the mall fleeced people by fancy prices. But she wanted him to see her in this dress…

While walking towards the lift she remembered that she had forgotten to wear her jade drops. After a moment, she thought it didn’t matter..

The breeze kept getting naughty with her hair .. they were long and flayed like mating snakes... The road was pretty empty, people did rest on this side of the city on Saturday noons ..

She had walked away towards the open grounds .. Thoughts ran from some conversations to some memories… Then suddenly it rained. She stood appalled, looking at the skies. The clouds gathered fierce and fast. And it came pouring down in a fury. The sudden change?

She stood still with her eyes closed while the rain washed her … the immense coolness … the salty tears lost in the mighty shower …

* * * * * * * * *

The dry-cleaner shook his head in disapproval, “ Illa Madam, this is a fake silk .. though we can re-dye it .. May be a darker shade?”

hummmph..

2006-07-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

Life and uncertainty are closely associated. And Anomaly is my name. So life and I are associated. So what’s the point, right?

I wonder how long will this go? I am absolutely lazy, my ideas are beyond me; anything normal and practical does not appeal me. Procrastination is my way of life. I am 5’6’’ at 60.7kgs and anything that is not petite, will hit the wall.

I like idling on my dear bed, daydreaming with a cup of coffee, occasionally glancing at the clock and then when I am left with 10 mins, I would run around saying that, “Oh.. God, I’m so damn late!!!!”

I still don’t understand why I started reading “The Tao of Physics”.

I like to often make this statement, “Do you think I am crazy?? Well, FYI, I am NOT!!”

I get obsessed with things…. ha! It can be miserable.

To get over a thought, accept a defeat, let the truth wash over you-
Oh! it bleeds the soul, trembles the heart - to let go.

Its simply a notion, Its simply a game of the mind,
Yet the heart, fooled, mourns the colours washed away..
Little did it know; dreams those painted on a mirage,
Like words carved on the sand... those caught in a wind!

I hate when people tell me what to do. So before pondering over the suggestion, my evil processor that constitute my grey cells, would start examining all those things I don’t like about the “advisor”!! This generally happens when the “center for free-gyaan” has no clue about the person I am or the problem I have.

My conversations with God have tired both of us. Yet, we have been tolerant with each other. Well, he has proven that he has a weird sense of humour. Now, this is between me and you, right…

All those pairs of jeans I own have a problem. Either they are loose in the waist and tight on the hips or vice versa! And footwear shopping is a nightmare.

I can go on whining.

Where is my VISA?

2006-06-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

It was almost bed time .. Kundu and I were discussing world affairs - in-laws, neighbours, salsa class, dad’s latest eccentricities etc etc… when I heard a faint “meow”... turned back to find Mr. Stripes on the window sill behind me. He was sitting there and was looking at me. It looked as if he said, “hi there!”

I turned around and tapped on the window pane expecting him to run away, instead, he lifted his paws and placed them across my palm … I was surprised... And the next 5 minutes were all about tapping and talking and meowing and excitement. K thought I was crazy and her MIL cautioned me on how the cat would enter the house if entertained. So I got out to meet him in person … while K called out reminding me of the last anti-rabies injection I had a few months ago...

My uninhibited excitement has caused me numerous unwanted circumstances – I wouldn’t stop at the simple pleasure the object of affection gives me; I need to hug/hold/squeeze/pet etc (yeah, anything!) So Mr. Stripes wasn’t sure about my sudden appearance in person .. he skirted away a bit and kept observing, while I approached him with my kitty calls .. it became a game ... I mean, he would lemme pat his back and then sprint away and I follow him ... I guess we both loved our game ... till we reached the apartment entrance, and I found the security folks watching us, a little suspicious. My gut feelings suggested I retire home, or I would be questioned of my mental health – it was drizzling pretty well. Walking back, leaving S sitting still and watching me, I decided:

I need a cat. I need a home. I need a man:

A man who’d get me a cat for my birthday, who genuinely believes cats are worse than maggots and reminds me to keep the cat away from our bed.

{Why birthday eh? Well I love the element of dramatic surprise ;-) }

Lust Burst?!

2006-06-08T01:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder about us – Human Beings. My simple understanding on why we call ourselves “human” beings is owing to the fact that we are the only ones that possess common sense, unlike any other beings on earth. So that makes us humane, doesn’t it?

You know, we mallus are a bunch of self proclaimed “Elephant Lovers”. No, we don’t mate with elephants, even though our movies are much discussed for some such similar fleshiness; we admire these beautiful, mighty beings and regale in the glory of those majestic tusks. Even I grew up hearing elephant stories and even I was told that the beauty of an elephant is measured by the size of the elephant, I mean the build, the length of the trunk – the one that reaches the ground and bends to a curl is the best and ofcourse those mighty ivories . Our cultural festivals like “Thrishoor Pooram” is an extravagant affair where we gloat in their beauty – Imagine 100 elephants with all those heavy head gears and umbrellas, among 10000s of people flocked from all over Kerala and tourists – these great beings just continue to stand calm while 100s of drummers and trumpet players thunder for hours in the hot sultry month of April-May!! No temple festival is complete without an elephant – richer the temple, the number grows bigger. And our timber folks can’t just do without these beings.

So you see how integral these animals are to our mallu life! And then you’d frequently read of incidents like how an elephant trampled its mahout to death. Or forked the guy on his tusks. And incidentally these are those times when the animal is in a mating urge. (the techie term in English?) And then frustrated creature gets into a rampage, destroying anything and everything around, till it is tranquilized!! Ha ! Haven’t we come up with various methods to get the animal in check when its goes mad wanting a mate!!! The animal continues to get into frequent mood swings for a while and many a mahout is either thumped to death or “vegetabled” with a twisted spinal chord. Note that these victims are a bunch of poor folks, who follow tradition, mostly, hailing from a schedule tribe, working for some rich “Owner” or a temple.

Today’s paper narrated an incident of an elephant that broke away from its chains and got into the forest and was caught, after a 3-4 days search, in the company of a she elephant. And the Forrest “Department” had a “tough” time getting him back and he is now put under observation. Narrative details were on how violent he was!!!

The term used in Malayalam to define this state is “Madham Pottal”, rough translation would be “Lust Burst”!! Ridiculous, but true.

I feel miserable; an animal spends its life, going insane due to its hindered natural urges... Elephants are intelligent animals; extremely protective, loyal and sensitive beings and yet we manage to get the worst out of the animal.. One sadly realizes that the mahout and the elephant are just victims of some practices...Well I wouldn’t want to get into the well discussed ivory mafia and the plight of these beautiful creatures in the timber trade.

So where do we start and who do we blame?

Monsoon Musings

2006-06-06T05:45:00.000-07:00

She was sprawled on the wooden sofa, her head comfortably resting on the cushions piled up. Tiny droplets that strayed from the window sill, splashed onto her wrists that rested on the window edges …. They tinkled her skin, a tiny fraction, joyous.

The sky was still grey; promising not to stop the show... the wet greenness beyond the window was so sedate… it reminded her of a new bride, stepping out of a shower: the damp tendrils clinging on to her shoulders and neck … busy droplets that slid down her self, finger tips .. As if in a sudden pause, a shy smile … reminiscence of warmth..

Rainy days at home were something that she liked the best. The wooden sofa was always a part of those memories. Her sis had named the sofa “the Noha’s Ark” owing to its simple, but big box likeness and jokes on how the family would survive a flood with all the neighbours… Many a time, it had worried the cat of her unending hours of siesta.. finally settling down at her feet or snuggling around the contours of her waist… only to start a jugulbundi of its purring with the pitter-patter ….music!! Those days ...

She sighed .. and turned herself to face the window .. there were tiny rivulets all over the courtyard .. they either merged to make a pool under a tree or headed the nearby fields .. … she thought .. like her life .. another rivulet .. still thriving on the energy of life .. but till when …

The aroma of pakodas filled the hall … it was just tea time .. but the day meant to retire early … The curtains rustled: her mother paused to look at her and said, “how long would you laze? Isn’t it time to light the lamp ?!" She turned back to gaze at the distances and mused .. some practices remain … inspite of evolution of faith …

The Lords lit in the mesmerizing golden hue from the lamp, giving them a mystic, surreal aura; she smiled thinking of the many an unsaid prayer .. often left lost in this vision.

She got back to sit at the doorsteps... the rain kept stealing its way, with the breeze, onto her face, like a tease ... Her feet dipped in the coolness...

The dusk now having had spread itself, coyly lead the day away ... for another tomorrow … another promise .. another dream! Another dream!

2006-05-11T03:05:00.000-07:00

Palmistry is something that intrigues me immensely. Its how I believe in ghosts and spirits - I don’t believe in their actual existence, but neither do I deny other people’s experiences ... Getting back to my palms - I have a life line totally broken; like all aspects of life, anything broken cannot be smooth. So did all the websites and books and friends suggest. I have been vying to discover the luck line, the intellectual line, the least the deep heart (LOVE) line …...... My palm is like my "Santhatha Sahachari" bag: Cluttered. When it came to my line patterns, guess our overloaded creator did some kind of outsourcing to our Bangalore-Road-Planning commission sorts !!

Now let me get back to yawning thru the code study before somebody chops up my career line
;-))

2006-05-04T02:46:00.000-07:00

She liked the way they walked between the bookshelves. It was like a dream come ture: To walk between book shelves!! She laughed almost loud - he turned back and asked, “now what was that for?!” .. She shook her head smiling and he kept scanning the book shelves for some title that made her laugh – finding nothing, he shrugged. She kept looking at him in side glances ... the tuft of hair – as messy as ever. The green rimmed, angular glasses emphasized his “easterness” about his eyes. Chinki Looks. She smiled again and he caught her and stopped , “Now which book is that – is it some thing “sidey” ??!” She answered, “Come on .. don’t you know .. smile increases one’s face value ..” .. he was like, “what ever - I don’t care …” . That was his standard statement. And she always kept receiving his “whatevers” for all her incomplete gestures and statements. That was not like her. She was a person of details and fullstops. But with him, she did not want to talk, but just be around; listen to him yap away. There was nothing that she wanted to explain. She wished that she was again in the cafe, sitting across the tiny table with him, their knees in-conversation.

Now he was glancing through a book on wines. And he looked up and said,” I have a book-of- wines back in my room. I started reading on wines recently … its very interesting” .. and her thoughts ran, “people read to drink or drink to read ??”. “Sophistication isn’t my cup of tea ... “, she answered and he shrugged,” whatever …” And both of them laughed. Was it so easy? He had come running from the stadium after buying the tickets for the next day’s marathon. His sweat shirt was still wet with sweat, but her cold blocked the smell … Smells related her to people. She had a pattern about smells – her mom scoring the first place in the fav list. Even her cat had one! She wondered if he used a musk… she stopped. She did not try hard – what if she caught a whiff of his being. All she wanted was to laugh.

Another day,
He said he was tired .. she wanted to hold him and let him rest on her shoulders. She glanced away. He held his hand out to wish her good night and their eyes held each other. There were lost words – they walked in different directions.

2006-05-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

Pondering.

Whine.

2006-04-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

The musical alarum has become a declining whine .. guess the battery is going down. Well gotta change. Another entry to my ToDo list. The list seems to be getting longer day after day without anything being ticked off. Procastination.

5:20, I am supposed to leap out of my bed and get ready for the aerobics classes. Well, lets see ..

Is it a “good” day?
Can I skip today too? I pay 500/- month for this torture?
Do I have a pair of washed socks? Is my sweat pants wearable (other pair washed??)
ZZZzzzz … zzzzzzzz .. Wakeup – Rushes, you lazy @$$$$$$$

5:50 – Lady Aero jokes, “ oh Rush .. glad u came …”, other aero-ranis chime “again late aaa.." They are already into a pattern – what was that? A Step--On your board—GrapeWine—Diamond—mambo !! Oh God – cant you understand that I cant remember sequences, my brain has a low end processor – esp at this early hour !!
I join the gyrating bunch, of different shapes - to fling my hands, walk in patterns, hop on to the boards .
My brains signalz crashing head-on ..
Why is she turning around … Is this step necessary … Ouch!
When you start thinking about your aching legs, Lady A announces ,“Letz get the mat” .. “legs stretched … straight I say…” .. she continues “ .. hold on .. now leave them there at 45 deg !!” God!! How much do they weigh - 30 each ??? All I eat is that crappy health food and these two weigh like mutton legs …

6.30 –– I need to shower – that breakfast-thingy I make - My Junior Horlicks compensates – do I have a creaseless pair ??

7.40 – rendezvous, auto hero… oh that looks; how could you ask me that question –me the king of kings – Bilekahalli Uncrowned Rajah- how could you ask me to drive till the main road, a 1.5 km distance, for a mere 12 bucks?? Let me hear that Rs 20 REQUEST! Beg/Bully/Argue.

8.10 – In the bus – they call it a Volvo (it sounds ugly) .. a mammoth that rocks us on the Madiwala lake road - a 2.5 km strip covered with LIMCA record pot holes/cement blocks/ rock pieces /slush .. merging into the Hosur Road, dust/heat/blaring horns – all a lullaby for a blissless slumber with FM yapping away about nothing.

9.05 – Apna Campus. A whole day of Meeeeeetings/ Coffee Breaks /Mails/Blogs/Technical-pseudo-works/phone calls/why-hasn’t-**-called-thots/etc/etc/etc

7.15 – Volvo beckons.

10.45 – The day dead - another miserable one.

134th Page

2006-03-14T05:29:00.000-08:00

Those days I thought I was a little "off" up there. It was difficult to accept the already accepted... But then growing up, I learned the art of “being acceptable” and kept the revolt well hidden, which lost the fight, eventually. I couldn’t bear people not liking me. It stayed with me for the best part of my life .. I lived shielding my insecurities in this facade. People always thought I was warm and nice and friendly.

I have friends who tell me that they would like to identify themselves with Howard Roark- while I realize I am more of a Keating or Toohey or Francon.

I guess, I was 18 when I read it for the first time. I was down with a fever and was dazed out - and the book depressed me. I thought the author was just being different for the sake of being different. My idea of love was all rozy and warm and sunny. Wasnt I in love .. then .. Well, I didn’t want that kind of struggle. I think, I even skipped pages when the characters got into lengthy monologues.

All I can remember was how Roark steals himself into D’s room in the night and makes love to her. I found that very strange, crazy and exciting. I guess many a time my dreams reflected the scene.

A few years later I read the book again. I was not ready to accept what I was reading .. I remember of an emotional turmoil!! But I didn’t want to loose “that” feeling or change anything about my life. I didn’t want to get out of the warm, cozy rut that made me acceptable. I did not want to face the reality that hung around me like a thick cloud, waiting to burst into a thunderstorm. I found comfort in the idea through which I looked at the reality. It happens to me – frequently – the idea.

Life continued to take its own course and one day I ripped off the whole pile of rags that I kept wrapping myself in ……freeing my conscience/my soul. Sometimes, these days, the cold bites into my bones, but my journey continues, unhindered …… Well, its not that my vanity has forgotten me; atleast I know who the guest is.

Today, I am at the 134th page. I am everybody’s psyche. I look through their eyes. I am living with them. And I hate all of them. Intensity blogs me down. Yet, the paradox is that intensity mystifies me!

I need a simple life. They lived happily, ever after!

Kaizen

2006-03-07T03:28:00.000-08:00

Kaizen is an interesting term. A Japanese word from Kai (Change) - Zen (Good). A change for the better.

From wikipedia, "Kaizen is a daily activity whose purpose goes beyond improvement. It is also a process that when done correctly humanizes the workplace, eliminates hard work (both mental and physical), teaches people how to do rapid experiments using the scientific method, and how to learn to see and eliminate waste in business processes.."

Now, how do I impelment it in my life ? How do I get my life a little easier, with lesser mental blocks, with more positive attitude, being able to use my brains; not to miss oppurtunities and above all make my life worthwhile ?

Haa .. wish I had that "complete refernce manual".

2006-03-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

I think when ones falls in ones own eyes, nothing worser can ever happen. I think I can never forgive myself for this one. The extend of carelessness is unforgivable. I have never never learnt anything from the lossess of my past, owing mostly to my carelessness. How can I go on about my passion for life, when I am not a responsible individual.

Like the phrase goes, "its all fart and no shit !!" .. guess very true about me.

Girl Talk?

2006-03-01T03:42:00.000-08:00

My Girls. Life has its way of compensating losses/pain/frustrations/disappointments with many a wonderful thing. I realize, in the course of time, that itz up to me to recognize what has been given.

My girls are one of the best things that has happened to me.

Do I sound like a horny Sheik about his harem; I would be the luckiest Sheik, to own these beautiful women of different flavours, with a great sense of humor and intelligence, compassion and love. The diversity of nature and the uniqueness of each of them makes this "affair" so spectacular. Positive attitude and passion for life, holds us together, while our lives take unknown turns or climbs steep paths or wades nimble footed thro deep waters … wherever it takes us, we know that we will make it.

We will still be able laugh at the pink lipstick that makes me look like “whatz-ur-rate-tonite”!!

Dear Girl, this is for you.

hoogly and the cardiac issues.

2006-02-27T01:42:00.000-08:00

Billy Boy looks deep into her eyes, with that puppy gaze. (Can he really see the heart going dak-a-dak ?!) Well, not that BB isn’t a nice guy - Actually too good to be true. Its just she has this witch-streak in her. (Sabrina's aunts say that witches cannot marry mortals, esp if they are "nice” guys!). She has been almost rude to him. Curt answers. The almost-rude story continued, till he announces about his girl friend and there she celeberates with jibes-about-ur-girl .. just to find, Billy Boy still checking the counts.

Well, what goes around comes around; Hoogly Geek crossed her path, and she yearned to laugh.
Hoogly G took her by a storm; to her it was a balm,
then he froze; ah.... like an albatross.
Her smile, half-stopped. (Bull Shit).

She couldn’t stop looking deep into his eyes(slits)!! Evasive.

Now she is angry. Revengeful. Scheming. She wants blood. Its just that she boils the moment he looks at the babe. (That’s Jealousy, not Vengeance!)

pain

2006-02-24T00:47:00.000-08:00

I had a chance to see some movies screened by the Films4Peace group ... well the subject, as you'd have guessed, was on war; the recent Iraq war much discussed. Well, there were documentary movies on power-fetish-hunchmen on "stick-your-nose" policies in places were slush was no more considered as slush but acceptable and then "stick-your-whole-self" to redefine slush as the truth. Well, the audience werent much in number but the sound of folks gasping was so profound at each shot. El Salvador, Chile, Vietanam. Some names. People. Lives. Amputed. Blank faced children. Future. Dreams. Hope. Destitutes.

I am so ignorant on this subject, to make a statement or argue. But pain on man's face doesnt need a language or words. A loss cannot be redefined.

Common-sense, compassion are human characterstics; while a deer being hunted down, other deers just look at it with fear and try to stay far.. huddle away. Minutes later, they continue to graze...

A world of morons!

2006-02-23T00:03:00.000-08:00

Some of us are so lucky that we get to work with morons dressed up as technical wizards !! And interacting with them on a daily basis puts you in such a spot, that you dont know whether you should continue to bear them, with your plastic smile or just spill out your thoughts and be at the receiving end of your Tech Guru's ire, for the rest of your stay in the team.

Most of the time, I keep my ego and sense of righteousness, locked away.

Learned the hardway the value of silence.

Unlit Enlightment!

2006-02-22T01:26:00.000-08:00

I am susceptible to two things: wrong guys and throat infection!!

With aerobics and careful choice of food/water, I keep the latter at bay.. Itsthe former, I need some kind of tool .. some kind of filter!! Anybody know of such thing?? Now, don’t tell me about “common sense” ... its been abused and is still on the recovery bed!

Step 1 - open the editor and ...

2006-02-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

My friends say that I talk too much and write too much of gyan, and they ought to have a break and others need to know what is their pain ;-)) So let me be "public" about my thoughts .. (other day I sent a few lines on "rain" to my ladies and nobody bothered to say "wow, that was quoool.." or "too good da .. " or "rushes, u need to really blog ..." nothing !!! So Rushes has decided to blog ...